I once read this quote: “Why don’t you eat your make-up? So you could be on the pretty inside too” I haven’t lived for a long time, but I do believe that I have been through a lot. In terms of the physical, emotional, and everything in between, I got the bitter and sweet taste of these in my little yet meaningful experiences. Let me share with you my story…
Flashback to 2000 something
Starting in high school, I was the type of girl that does not bother with her appearance, like “Oh, this is what my hair wants to be today, so be it!” and the day passes without me fixing it because ain’t nobody got time for that! hahaha lazy girl problems. At 15 or 16 years old, I had a crush on this guy, this particular guy is also a friend and he shared with me stories of his crush too. As much as I want him to notice me, he was caught up with a different person. Of course, someone better looking compared to me because I’m below average… probably a strong 4 if you fix my hair a little lol. Basically, I was a nobody. So, I envied that girl, I even cursed myself because I’m not her and I am stuck with my boring self.
Long story short, that was my first heartbreak and major realization that if you’re not pretty or smart or talented, people will treat you like crap. In desperation, I tried everything to make me a somebody, to the point that I will emulate how celebrities act and even what they eat.
Road to the Ruts
Years passed and I still copied other people and denying things I like because that is not what society or the people around me wants. Trying and trying so hard that I don’t even know who I am. After college, I am still thinking or finding out who am I and why am I here in this earth. Sounds rather philosophical but I was genuinely lost.
Back to Square One
Realization after realization, truth smacked me in the face and I then knew that I had to start over. Here are some steps that helped me out
1. Suck the poison and spit it out
Get to know the real reason, its like deconstructing yourself and in my case I found out that it was envy. My jealousy towards another person brought me to self harm (not literal lols) but I always pitied myself.
2. Clean the wound to avoid infections
Instead of thinking about what lacks in you, find out what makes you a good person. Sometimes you just have to find out the good in you in order to spark a change. The reason behind this is that your attention is diverted to the positive in you therefore attracting positivity in your life.
3. Get out of the danger areas
Danger areas are not just areas sometimes they can be people. Cut off the people in your life that feed your envy, true friends uplift you and support the real you.
4. Rest to restore your immune system
Now that the poison is gone, rest. Rest literally and figuratively to restore your energy to face yourself first then others. See the positive and later it will radiate around you.
In the end…
In the end, you are stuck with yourself. Everyone has their own flaws and that’s cool because it makes us different. I shared my experience because I know I’m not the only one but I would also like to share that you can’t be in that state forever. The only constant in this world is change, so take your time because in the end, you can always be what you want in your own unique way without putting people down and hurting yourself.